My self reflection on “To Have and To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, the Modern Dilemma” by Molly Millwood, Ph.D
Udah lama ga nulis journal, tapi ini kayaknya perlu ditulis sih sebagai self reminder. Jadi kemaren2 tuh gw berasa stress and overwhelmed by motherhood. Being caught in the middle of moody toddler and husband who’s going back to school while still working full time is not easy. Not to mention that we just moved to a bigger house in the suburb, well, even though that it’s not a mansion, it’s certainly bigger than 550 sq ft one bedroom apartment we used to live. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely grateful for all the changes. But every change we have in the family is affecting me in the other way. I’m happy that my husband finally gets back to school and seems to enjoy it. But that also means I have to do almost if not all the chores on top of taking care of the toddler. I’m happy to move to this nice family oriented neighborhood and I have to having more spaces without having to worry about mortgage is a huge blessing to us. But that also means I cannot escape to work daily like I used to be because of the distance.
Then I found this audiobook, to have and to hold, about women in their marriage, motherhood and modern days dilemma. Gosh, first of all, I didn’t realize how thankful I am for the presence of something so called audiobook or podcast in this modern era. It’s just perfect for anyone who doesn’t have the luxury of sitting down to read a book. Anyway, this book helped me rediscovering myself.
ACCEPTANCE is the KEY of riding these waves called motherhood.
Before listening to this book, I felt lost. I missed my days before baby, or even before marriage. I was holding to every single thing that I think a part of my previous self before this whole thing. I was an orthodontist, I worked hard to achieve my dream career, and there were times I kinda regretted my decision to get married and moved to the US, leaving my entire hard earned career behind. This book reminds me that every single thing in this world, no matter how contrary it may sound, can actually live in peace side by side. Just like two sides of a coin that serves the same purpose as a payment method. It’s just about how our mind sees it and paraphrases it. The wisdom of changing the word “but” to “and” helps me tremendously. I remember my mom actually gave the same advice before I got married, about to love one’s spouse. She said, in marriage, it’s really important to think “I love my spouse even though that he’s …, not because he’s … ”. When I first heard it, I thought, yeah yeah, that’s quite a general advice, huh? But being married with one active sometimes moody toddler really puts us, or at least me, in trial. It’s so challenging to constantly and consciously apply such general marriage advice in my daily life as a wife and a mother. Loving is HARD, even loving myself these days feels challenging.
That book reminded me that I am still that person who had a hard earned career and put it on hold to build a family and be a stay at home mother to be able to raise this angel God has blessed us with. I love my funny cute toddler and I love when she expresses her pure love to me. I would not exchange that feeling with anything else in this world. So, I’m indeed an orthodontist (with a still active license I might say :p), and a wife, and a mother. It’s just that chapter of me being an orthodontist is temporary closed, and who knows if someday I get a chance to revisit that chapter in the future.
I love my child and sometimes I can’t stand being around her when she’s acting.. her age. This book also reminds me that spouse and children can actually be our living Buddha who challenge us how to find the inner peace in this chaotic life. It needs practice of course. But now, I am trying my best that every time I start feeling the anger inside me with this non-stop nagging or whining toddler, I keep repeating this mantra in my head: She’s my living Buddha. Inhale-exhale. Just like today, she was really upset when I turned the TV off because I already had it on for her for a solid 90 mins. Initially, I was telling myself that I’d just put it on for 30 mins. But then, I got carried away. I’m pretty sure that she’s actually not so into the Wiggle show anymore, I’ve replayed that show over and over. And I think that’s why after the first 30 mins watching the TV herself while I’m enjoying my breakfast and morning coffee, she asked me to sit and watch with her. Her attention was not really 100% on the TV anymore. But still, she was really upset when I turned it off. Just like any other times when she’s upset, she screams her lungs out while standing on my lap, holding me on my neck and doesn’t want to look at me. I recited that mantra over and over, “She’s my living Buddha” and continue breathing in and out. She eventually calmed down after a while, just sit on my lap and wanted to be cradled. The mommy me felt good winning the battle, not only with my child, but also with my own frustration.
Same thing with my husband, every time I realize that I am mad about something, I recite that mantra, “he’s my living Buddha.” And mindfully try to choose not to feed my anger. I keep telling myself not to sweat on small things that don’t actually matter. There was one day that I was so physically tired from finishing painting of our master bathroom with little to no help from my husband other than taping the ceiling just because I’m too short to reach it. Then my toddler had many meltdowns on that day. I asked my husband if he saw that the painting was done. He answered “I guess.” I was like, “Did you see or did you not see it?” I don’t think it was a question that can be answered other than yes or no. Then when the three of us was in the bathroom, he asked “which one did you paint?”. I was FURIOUS. I meant, I painted the whole bathroom from ugly dark brown to light grey and he asked which one I did paint. I didn’t ask for help because I knew he had to finish his assignments as well and this was not something that I couldn’t do by myself. I even carried my kid on my back when I needed to finish painting one day just so the paint that I had poured on the bucket didn’t get dried, just so that he could nap a little longer. After all those “sacrifices”, an acknowledgement would be nice enough. Wasn’t he being too ignorant? I did post it on my Instagram stories, some of my friends noticed it and gave me some compliments. My own husband, who lives in the same roof and must have seen it in person asked which one I painted? I tried to let it slide. But after dinner time, when my toddler refused to eat her dinner and chose to whine for more screen time, I lost it. I didn’t yell, but when he finally came to the dining room for dinner, I didn’t talk, didn’t want to look at him and just left my crying toddler with him. I stepped out for some fresh air without saying anything. Something that I had never done before.
I silently burst into tears. I felt so frustrated with everything. I came back home after 10 minutes because I knew he had to leave for work. But I was still hurting inside and couldn’t just brush it off. I trashed my closed friends in the group chat. I slept with my own anger. Then I tried to talk to myself and got to the root of my problem. My cup was empty. I gave myself to everybody and everything to this family, but I didn’t feel seen, not even for something as visible as wall color change from dark brown to light grey. But then I realize, I was an over achiever to begin with. That personality of mine was actually the culprit. As I come to that realization, I felt better because I knew that’s something that I could fix myself and not something that I needed to fix from my spouse. So, every time I encounter such dilemma, I asked myself if it’s actually worth my energy. Is it something that I could just let go if it’s not killing me?
As I’m finishing writing this post, I am honestly having my toddler on screen now. I know I have to accept that I have no help from people and TV is my helper that gives me some peaceful time for myself and fill my cup. I’ll take her to the park after this to make up for those time I put her on TV while finishing my breakfast, coffee and blog post. I need to reclaim my space and time to be able to mother better. I try to notice every single new words my daughter is saying every day, all the dance movement she makes whenever she watches the wiggle and those make me feel less guilty.
I accept that my “glorious” past was a closed chapter and I even dreamt about it couple of times. I am sad that it doesn’t belong to my present anymore and that’s OK. I made the decision responsibly back then and it comes with its own challenges. I’ve unlocked many skills that I couldn’t even imagine while living my comfortable single life back then. I’m a perfectionist and over achiever, and that is OK too. Those traits were probably the very reason behind my achievements that I was and still am proud of. Accepting that also means that I have to constantly consciously remind myself that not everything needs to be done perfectly.
I am learning to accept that chores and childcare could never be divided equally between spouses, at least in our household.
Again, ACCEPTANCE is the key. And I accept that writing a post now takes 6 days to finish instead of just couple hours like I used to do back then. LOL.
lauralimas 